I'm not alone

I've been in a lower than usual place lately. Kinda feeling sorry for myself and not really doing anything about it. Certainly I can and have been putting up a strong front, those closest to me being the only ones that can see past it. But I have been hurting, a lot, and little things and not so little things have been wearing and eating away at me spiritually. I've forgotten my outlet, my spirit, my drive. I was letting myself sink further and further into a hole that wasn't my fault, but didn't stop from grabbing a shovel to help. I was seeing only one set of footprints in the sand, and forgot that they weren't mine.

But today, I felt that spark, that light that I have been ignoring for so long. I know I have been ignoring it because I know that it is never absent. He is with me and I forgot that. I'm going to start making some baby steps in many different parts of my life. I wont say exactly what those steps are because I need to do this for me, without either the encouragement or subtle pessimistic remarks that usually accompany journeys such as these. I only ask that you pray. Pray that my spirit rekindles that flame, that torch that is my soul. We easily forget that we are not alone, ever. I let myself forget that and wallow in self pity, not doing anything to help myself. I will succeed. I will be saved. I will not bury myself in the sands of grief and negativity. My voice will be heard and it will be grand!

I will see both sets of footprints in the sand again, but for now, I'll be happily carried till I can put my feet down again.

Still Selfish

I was once accused of being selfish. Now, I was not being greedy over material possessions nor was I being childish or spoiled over not getting my way. No, nothing like that. I had simply expressed that I did not want children. To which immediately someone said "that is so selfish."

I pondered this. And even asked them at that point how I was being selfish. They of course could not and obviously did not convince me with any type of epiphany type statements. It was far from that. It was simply a "Well, it just is." Granted I should have known better to as a such a complicated question.

But let's put that point aside for now. I was "being selfish" because I chose to not procreate. Hmm, well let's look at it from a different view point. I guess maybe they thought I didn't want to share this wonderful world we live in. I mean, come on, we're only in def con 3 for goodness sake. Countless terrorist attempts, gang related activity around the corners of even (or especially) the up and coming and promising neighborhoods, children already being attacked by members of family, school, and clergy, kidnapped from their own yards. I mean, who WOULDN'T want to rear a child in this day and age. And of course, we don't want to deny the pedophiles in this world the pleasures of watching little Jack and Jill running up and down that hill. Hmm, maybe it's a stress or nerves thing. Maybe I don't want a nervous breakdown from worrying where the hell my little angel has been all night after storming out of the house stating that they in fact "hated" me. Yeah, really missing out on that.

Not to mention the LACK of children under five in this country. I mean, I swear, I can't believe that I can go through a supermarket and not deal with screaming brats running around, breaking jars of jam in aisle 5, running into me without having the decency to apologize or say excuse me. Truly, there is obviously a shortage in children in this country. Those special parking spaces next to the handicap spots that state "customer's with child" are truly going to waste. We need to get on top of this ladies! Literally!

Now, do not get me wrong. I'm sure your little bundle of joy is the exception to every rule and it's not YOUR child that gives kids a bad name. Have your children, multiply as much as you want!! Then maybe we can catch up with China and Japan and then we'll have a government mandate stating that we can only have one child per family.

So why am I so selfish? Maybe it's the 9 months of swollen ankles and aching back pain I do not want to go through. Maybe it's the thought of diapers and snot and drool being a constant for a couple years. The truth you say?? Well, honestly, I can only tolerate kids for so long before handing them carefully back to mommy and/or daddy. I have nothing against parents or their kids. I just have very little patience and I would rather not go to jail for striking a brat so I'll trust my non-maternal instincts and stay away from motherhood. Until the urge to eat my young rather than nurture goes away, I think that I'll stay selfish, for the sake of the children.

Do I Look Illegal??

I had been hunting for a subject to make my first blog entry on here. I was hoping it would be something that could be light-hearted and witty even. But of course, that could not be and it seems it will be more of a rant.

My fellow Americans, and I do mean "Americans." Really?? Has it truly come to this? The only solution that we can think of to combat illegal immigrants is going to be pointing at their brown skin and squealing at their lisped accents?? I really don't understand how backwards this country has become. Now, do not misunderstand me, I am NOT defending those who are in fact in this country illegally. And yes the majority may be of Mexican descent, though they are not all Mexican and will proudly tell you so. What I am defending is the American right to be able to live day to day life without fearing persecution and detainment.

I do protest, vehemently, this new law that has surfaced in Arizona and I protest NOW because I do not want it in my home state. No, it is not because I fear for family or friends that may or may not be illegal. It is because I fear what this country will turn to towards my nephews who look the part far more than I do in the future. There has already been a detainment in AZ of a truck driver, born in the US, trying to do his job. He didn't have the proper documentations on him. The requested documentation you ask?? His birth certificate. Well of course, what kind of fool leaves his home without his birth certificate! I take mine with me everywhere I go just to boast and show off.

"See, I told you I was born in the US! Ha ha, now who looks stupid?"

His wife, who was over an hour away, had to bring his birth certificate to the police station where he was being held.

...

This man's work was put in jeopardy, his reputation and honor were questioned, his dignity shattered and he was emasculated in front of law enforcement. All of this because his skin was brown and his name was of Hispanic origin and he may have had an accent. I know many "Americans" that fit that description.

I fight now because I don't want it to spread, it must be stopped now. I can see my nephews, whom I mentioned before, and I see them taking a class trip, one that requires them to cross state lines to go to a national park or preserve or etc. I see them, standing outside a gift shop, waiting for their classmates to finish shopping. I then see a police officer walking up to them, asking for identification, asking for their names and origins. I see them being questioned as their classmates come out of the shop, wondering why they're being singled out or worse, being detained. Their peers will never see who they are as people anymore. It's no longer their classmate they see, their friend, their companion. They'll see what they are instead, Hispanic, Mexican, Colombian, etc, etc. Their value as a citizen will diminish because of the scrutiny of the society around them.

I'm a proud American-Mexican, and I'm proud of both sides that create who I am. I speak both English and Spanish, I love both American and Mexican cultures. The process of becoming a United States citizen is lengthy and costly, and both my parents struggled and fought to go through it. They left their home country for a better opportunity for not only themselves, but for their children and their future grandchildren. That effort, that struggle, it's being cheapened and made unimportant by this law.

There has to be another way around this. And it's probably been explored but thrown out because it's too much of an effort or it's too costly for the state itself. This was the easy way out. If you suspect a man of being illegal, pull him over and cuff him until he can prove otherwise. So it has come to that. Guilty until proven innocent. Welcome to the melting pot, as our motto says "E Pluribus Unum," out of many, one. Just make sure you're the right kind of spice for the soup.